wish i could sleep.

But i'm all jittery and have lots of weird energy. The kind i image someone has when they take speed and stay up all night cleaning their house. Except that instead i'm entering random 32 digit numbers in order to check the balance on each of my nine (yes, nine) starbucks cards. I should see this as a negative because a lack of sleep usually leads to my ultimate demise, but at least i'm being productive. Maybe i'll be able to catch the person who's stealing my mail...

Just the way it is.

I'm home from montreal and right now i've sort of made things a mess. However, it occurred to me that I need to stop letting things consume me and assume it is out of my control. That is really not like me, and i'm not sure why i've been acting so differently the last couple of weeks. Regardless, I'm going to work hard at improving the aspects of my life that i'm dissatisfied with. Only then when things are still shit can i curse the universe for my misfortune-up until then i can only blame myself.

On an unrelated note: I am disgusting and sort of already miss végé poutine. My arteries should be thankful there are no 24hour real poutine restaurants in toronto. The amount of nachos/greasy pad thai/taco bell that i consume probably make up for it though.

SOMEONE BUY ME THIS!

I never never want to go home-because i haven't got one anymore.

It seems typical that the second i leave town something monumental and tragic happens to my favourite part of the city such that i can't even be there to witness it. Obviously i'm talking about the fire at queen and portland. Seeing the pictures and actually realizing the damage made my stomach drop. If i hadn't been in montreal, i would have been walking to work on queen around 730am and would have probably had much more of an emotional reaction. Of course It would have been almost impossible for me to get to work, and then i would have been written up for being late. hah. I can't imagine what it will be like when i get home, and walk that stretch of queen like i do twice a day-and have it all be gone. You'd think growing up in a city that was constantly developing and changing to the point that i hardly even recognize it would make one immune to this sort of thing. I guess that part of toronto was starting to actually feel like home. I don't want to think about what horrible stores will replace them. And with the fucking home depot going in soon, well, there goes the neighbourhood.

I think winter is really starting to kick my ass and i don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't really want to deal with anything at all anymore. I've sort of been feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness lately. Even here i know too many people. Right now i'm in one of my moods where all i want is to move away from everything that i know.

PS.

Made this today as an experiment for my Faconater contest that will be comming up. Went down no problem. Bring it on.

in my ears my blood is just roaring.

Michelle and I went to see Nicole Atkins last night at Lee's Palace. I actually quite like her album-but the show in my opinion was mediocre. She has an amazing voice live-and i found her to be quite personable and charming, but for some reason it was just sort of boring to watch. Maybe it's just because i couldn't see all that well and i was tired-but if you haven't heard her i suggest checking out her album. Tomorrow i leave for montreal for a week. It will certainly feel nice to get out of the city.



when he's the only one I've ever wanted.

When it's time to party...

The last two nights i've actually been doing things which is slightly out of character for me. Wednesday was the Trapped in the closet screening at the royal-an event i had been excited for since the idea surfaced-even when i thought that michelle and I would probably be the only ones who would show up. How wrong we were! I'm really glad at the turn out and the overall involvement of the crowd. The cheering, the floating condoms, the dart guns, the tall tees! I can easily see this turning into a cult like phenomenon with rocky horror like characteristics. A huge thank you to Michelle and Mark for making my wildest dreams come true-especially michelle who sort of let me steal my new favourite pin.

Also, i cannot wait to try out the Trapped in the closet drinking game. Yesterday was, of course, valentines and i went out to dinner with my parents. I actually miss them all the time. We went to pages afterwards, where my Dad bought me "The world won't listen". The Smiths reference obviously caught my attention and i was surprised i had never seen/heard of this book before. Essentially, a photographer by the name of Phil Collins (no, not that one) creates videos and photographs of people in places marked by political, social, and cultural turmoil and change. This book is from a three-part video installation, where he posted flyers, went on radio and TV to invite participants to come and perform karaoke versions of songs from 'The world won't Listen'. The majority of the book is photographs but I really enjoy the text that is in it. The book itself is also 'rather swank'.
Inside front and back covers



After that i walked to manic where i was reminded by every person on college carrying flowers (everyone) or making out (everyone else) that it was valentines day-but felt much better after receiving a novelty "babe camp" sleeve for my americano (which i meant to keep but ended up throwing out by accident) Soon afterwards i was convinced to go see Andrew W.K-and i'm glad that i did. He performed a solo set (which was simply his songs being played over the speakers and him singing) At any point during the set there were at least 100 people on stage and multiple microphones. Although I was disappointed at the lack of headwalking/stage dives that i was promised I do feel as though i got my $10 worth of entertainment and head banging in. This entry feels very sporadic to me (but that could also be because i myself feel very sporadic)? I need to sleep more i think.

See I've already waited too long...

Finally my mail came!

Why didn't I think of this before?

All of this Country/Folk/Rock that i've been listening to lately is gunna turn me into a whiskey drinking train wreck. As i typed that, i spilled my drink all over my fucking powerbar. Anyway, i challenge anyone to listen to this song and not want to get wasted.

And if it wasn't so cold, i'd swear this was hell.

And i don't want to go outside, but i cannot stand to be here. I wish i wasn't so restless and was able to relax once and a while. Anyways, i stole this from my friend Billy.

Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs
The Smiths.

Are you male or female:
Girl Afraid.


Describe Yourself:
Half a person.

How do some people feel about you:
Well I wonder.


How do you feel about yourself:
Still Ill.


How do you feel about ex boyfriends/girlfriends:
Bigmouth strikes again.

Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend/crush:
I want the one I can't have.


Describe where you want to be:
London.


Describe how you live:
Heaven knows i'm miserable now.


Describe how you love:
Never had no one ever.


What would you ask for if you had just one wish:
What difference does it make?

Share a few words of Wisdom:
Some girls are bigger than others.


Now say goodbye:
Sheila take a bow.

WHY IS IT SNOWING AGAIN?!

What else would you have me be?

I'm curious as to why the Canadian postal service feels the need to torture me. Receiving mail is one of my favourite things in life-and when I know it's on the way the anticipation practically kills me. I come home from where ever practically running once my house is in view to come check my mailbox hoping there is something waiting for me. I have tried to not get my hopes up about a package ever arriving in a timely fashion but I find it difficult-sometimes my mail comes at normal speed but lately everything i've been waiting for seems to be taking longer than usual. Today i woke up convinced that my package would be waiting for me. I go to my door, and see no signs of a package (and become discouraged) but do however find a delivery notice slip! (and then become excited) Then i read it and realize i cannot pick up my package until tomorrow (and become discouraged again) and then i realize 'at least my package is here' (and become excited again) and then I read the back and realize the slip is for my roommate (and become very discouraged...again) I guess what i would like is some consistency in the delivery times of packages-sometimes I think i cannot handle the emotional roller coaster that mail has me riding. At the same time, that unsure feeling, the excitement of waiting-I think might be what i love most about the mail. In the very least, it gives me something to look forward to. To summarize: I love mail.

EDIT: IT IS NOW FRIDAY AND MY MAIL STILL HASN'T COME. I HATE MAIL.

and you're halfway to chicago before goodbye is said.

Just got home from chicago-I had such an amazing time and have the kindness of my friends (and some strangers) to thank for it. Soon i'll get ahold of some pictures and give more of a comprehensive run down of the events.